“He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” – Proverbs 18:13 

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around, does it make any noise? Remember that little riddle? Let me ask it another way. If someone speaks and no one is listening, is that communication? An article I once read pointed out that there are plenty of modern day programs that teach people to speak – but few train them to listen. If that’s the case, then “what we have here is a failure to communicate”, to quote from one of my favorite Paul Newman movies, “Cool Hand Luke”.

Like a mathematical equation, communication is incomplete without speaking and listening equaling each other. This imbalance is nothing new, of course; in fact, it is probably as old as mankind itself. But perhaps it has become exaggerated in this age of electronic and social media that allows us to “speak” instantaneously to mass audiences any time we wish, which in turn creates an environment of everyone trying to speak at once and an ever increasing noise level to overcome in order to be heard. The screaming just becomes louder and louder in hopes someone will listen. The end result is that there is a world full of people begging for someone to just listen.

To become an ICF certified coach one must demonstrate proficiency in “active listening” in order to be certified. It is considered one of the core competencies in professional coaching. So, if the article I had read is correct our profession may be one of the few where listening skills are actually required and rigorously taught. What I’ve learned from practicing this profession over many years is that becoming a great communicator begins with being a great listener, that our attentiveness to another human being speaks much louder than our words.

So, allow me to restate the riddle. If someone speaks and no one is listening, is that communication? If the answer is “no” then based on my observations “what we have here is a failure to communicate.” And if that’s true, what’s missing in the equation, and what can you and I do to bring it into balance? Here’s a hint: there is a world full of people begging for someone to just listen. “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”

“So teach us to number our days that we may apply our hearts to wisdom.”  

– Psalm 90:12  

As the years go by, and especially as I advance further into senior citizenship, I cannot help but be more aware of the brevity of life, and that I must try to use the time I have left more wisely in ways that will bear lasting fruit. How can I make a difference, and in what ways can I have a positive influence? What steps should I be taking toward those purposes? Thus age, thankfully, does teach us to number our days, and with an increasing sense of urgency to apply our hearts to wisdom.

By the time I had become friends with Froggy, as we all called him, it was evident that he had become aware that his days were numbered by his sense of urgency to apply his heart to wisdom. Froggy was a Vietnam veteran having served as a helicopter pilot. So horrific were his war experiences that he suffered PTSD the rest of his life. Froggy also, by his own admission, had been a pretty notorious partier for a good part of his life. Thus, by the time I got to know him his hard living coupled with the PTSD were taking a toll on his health. It was during that time of his life I had the opportunity spend lots of hours in conversation with him sitting in Starbucks sipping coffee. There I learned about his yearning to make a difference and be a positive influence with the time he had left – to hopefully bear some lasting fruit.

It was also about the same time that he and I began volunteering in the same community outreach program. And on this one particular occasion we were assigned to make a call together on a man who had fallen on hard times and in need of some financial assistance with his utility bills. As we sat there in the man’s tiny living room listening to his sad story I happened to look over at Froggy and noticed tears rolling down his ruddy cheeks, and his chin starting to quiver. Suddenly and spontaneously Froggy’s old gruff voice broke into prayer for the poor gentleman we were visiting. So moved was the man by Froggy’s prayer and compassion that he too began to weep, as did I. Froggy’s days ran out not long after that, but I think about him often and how aware he’d become of his numbered days. It had been my great privilege to be his friend in those final years and to witness the increase of his wisdom and the fruit he bore. Well done Froggy!

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.”

–  Ecclesiastes 3:1 

Sandy, my longtime friend and former work colleague, had always dreamed of having a swimming pool in her backyard, so eventually she and her husband saved up enough money to put one in. And of all the people I’ve ever known who have had backyard pools, myself included, I’ve never known anyone who enjoyed theirs more or made better use of it than Sandy and her husband. Every weekend during the summer they were either enjoying quiet afternoons alone, or watching their kids play in the water, or entertaining friends and neighbors in their backyard. During the warm months of the year their lives centered around that pool. Then one day Sandy announced that they were filling it in, covering it up. I was shocked at first, that is until she explained that the fun was over; they were done with it and ready to move on to other things.

The swimming pool story is so typical of the way Sandy operated when we worked together. When it came time to make changes, to do things differently such as introducing some type of new more efficient technology Sandy was always the one who would walk in one day and announce to all of us that from now on we’re doing it the new way – period! I loved that about her. She taught me better than anyone I know to realize that for everything there is a season, to enjoy the season while it lasts, understand it had a purpose, then let it go and move on.

My parents lived in the same house from the time I was two years old until several years after I was married with children of my own. My father and grandfather operated the same family business for sixty years. In the community where I grew up there were certain people in my life who could always be counted on to “be there”. There was a comfort in having that kind of stability. But then things changed. The family business was sold, my parents moved away, and some of those wonderful people began to die. Through the years I’ve come to realize those changes and losses did not destroy my world, instead they enriched it; for “to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” For everyone of us there comes a time to cover up the pool. When it does, the best thing we can do is be thankful for the season and move on.

“Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others . . .” – 1 Peter 4:10 

Two business partners were discussing their goals for the next year. “Let’s try to make more money,” said the first one, to which the other responded, “Why don’t we instead try to serve more people?”

The discussion between the two business partners zeros in on one of life’s most basic dilemmas. What do we do with what we’ve been given – our gifts, talents and resources? Do we use them to pursue our own selfish desires, or do we use them for the benefit of others? Ironically, depending on which we decide does not necessarily exclude the other.

In the preface to his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning, renowned psychiatrist, author, and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl explains it this way: “Don’t aim at success – the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. . . I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run – in the long run, I say! – success will follow you precisely because you had forgotten to think of it.” 

The bedrock of our financial system and the hope for the future of our prosperity resides in our capacity to create and provide value to other human beings. Work, in other words, must be first and foremost about creating value rather than making money, which is exactly the point the second business partner was making to the first. How about let’s create more value for more people, to rephrase it, and the revenue increase will be sure to follow.

And therein lies the irony in our response to that basic human dilemma of “what do we do with what we’ve been given?” For to pursue selfish gain benefits only ourselves – maybe! – but when we use our gifts toward service to others, in the long run as Frankl says, we too will be rewarded. Therefore, “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.”

“Go and humble yourself . . .” – Proverbs 6:3 

Country singer Mac Davis once had a hit song you may recall that goes like this: “Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble / When your perfect in every way / I can’t wait to look in the mirror / Cause I get better looking each day / To know me is to love me / I must be a h*** of a man / Oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble / But I’m doing the best that I can.” 

The humor, of course, is in the singer’s self-perception, which is – well! – anything but humble. Then maybe the song makes us laugh at ourselves a bit as well; for aren’t we all a little like that at times? The song is right about one thing, though, humility is hard, and a bit tricky.

It’s hard because we imagine a humble person as a shrinking violet, weak and lacking confidence and courage. And who likes to think of oneself, much less be thought of by others, that way? But humility is not born of weakness, but comes from strength, confidence and courage; otherwise, it would not be considered one of the great human virtues. For what are we here for if not to step up and do our best at our respective endeavors? And that’s were it gets tricky, when our accomplishments tempt us to toot our own horn or expect accolades from others.

The pen, we’ve heard it said, is mightier than the sword. Likewise, it might also be said that humility is mightier than pride. Consider, for example, the lives of Benjamin Disraeli and William Gladstone, widely believed to have been the two greatest British Prime Ministers of the nineteenth century. Comparing the two, someone once surmised, that if you walked out of Gladstone’s office after meeting with him you would think he was the smartest person in world. Disraeli, however, after meeting with him you would likely walk out feeling like YOU were the smartest person in the world. Two brilliant men, two extraordinary leaders, both with amazing accomplishments, except one was humble, the other proud.

In the theater of life pride steals the spotlight for oneself. But humility lights up the entire stage, selflessly sharing the accolades with others. The better way is to “Go and humble yourself,” the Proverb urges. But, “Oh Lord, it’s hard . . .”, isn’t it?