“First go and be reconciled to your brother . . .” – Matthew 5:24 

Conflict inevitably occurs among humans. No matter how hard we may try conflicts can never be totally avoided in the course of our life experiences, but our behavior in response to them can make a huge difference in the outcome. That is, how we respond can either be destructive, making matters worse, or constructive, facilitating a fair and peaceful resolve. Allow me to share an example:

A friend of mine became the victim of a scathing post on Twitter about a remark he once made in a public forum (one of the unfortunate hazards of putting ourselves out in public in this age of social media). Needless to say, my friend was hurt, angry, and humiliated that someone had taken offense to a message he had intended to be positive and diplomatic. But rather than lashing out at the person who posted the Tweet – or worse, suffering in silence – much to my friend’s credit he graciously extended an invitation to the other person, a stranger, to meet him for coffee. And much to the credit of the other fellow he accepted the invitation. “First go and be reconciled to your brother.” 

When the two men met they did indeed have obvious differences – a generation apart in age, from very different backgrounds and life experiences, living in different environments, thus having very different political and philosophical views. But what they discovered in their face to face meeting was that they had one thing in common; they were both fellow human beings who cared deeply about the world and the people around them. And because of that one element of common ground they were able to work toward a constructive resolve to their conflict. Not that either changed his political or philosophical views, but they did gain each other’s respect which opened the door for civil conversation, and who knows, maybe even the beginning of a friendship.

Conflict is certainly inevitable among humans. Yet, painful as it often is, the absence of it would eliminate one of the essential components in the advancement of knowledge and understanding. So, I applaud my friend for the grace he extended to his offender, and I applaud the other fellow for his courage in accepting the invitation. What a beautiful demonstration of a constructive response to conflict! And to think it all began with one small humble act: “First go and be reconciled with your brother.”

“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No’, ‘No’. . .” – Matthew 5:37 

“Show up on time. Do what you say you’re going to do. Finish what you start. Say please and thank you.” Dan Sullivan refers to these in his book How the Best Get Better, as the four crucial habits of referability. “Although these seem like common sense,” he explains, “a surprising number of people in this world . . . do not practice these four habits. . . They may have brains, talent, charm, and experience, but they continually find that their clients and customers do not refer them.”

“In contrast,” Sullivan goes on, “those who practice these four habits always get referred into bigger and better opportunities.” That should come as no surprise because what he is describing are simply the basic elements of trustworthiness, and trust is the cornerstone of any healthy human relationship. Patrick Lencioni, in fact, lists “absence of trust” at the base of his pyramid in his popular business book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Or flipping that around to the positive, one might say it is the base of the pyramid listing the five characteristics of a highly functional team.

While it is true that gaining the trust of another human being is foundational in any healthy relationship, it is also important to remember just how fragile that can be; for any violation of trust can cause a relationship to crumble, and for good. I recall watching a cooking show once on TV when the late humorist and Cajun chef Justin Wilson (no relation) was demonstrating how to make gumbo. In doing so he was explaining how the most essential spice in Cajun cooking is cayenne pepper. But be careful, he warned, about adding too much of “da cayenne-a-peppa.” You can always add more, he said, but if you get too much you’re going to play heck getting it out. (His language was a bit spicier than that, but you get the point.)

Trust is like that. We can always add to our trustworthiness – show up on time, do what you say you’re going to do, finish what you start, and say please and thank you – but if you ever violate that trust, you’ll play heck getting it back. The best advice is to stick with what Jesus taught, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No’, ‘No’.”

“Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

• Psalm 90:12 

Cowgirl, our beloved blue heeler, age sixteen-going-on-seventeen, was once as swift afoot as any dog I’ve ever seen. But nowadays crippled with arthritis and limited stamina she struggles to walk around the block. Happens to all of us, doesn’t it? In fact, it is indisputable that as we age – I’m talking about all living creatures – we slow down, we simply don’t move as fast as we once did. I know it to be true because I’m experiencing it myself, not to mention being painfully aware that it will be a progressive decline.

But there is something about aging that has caught me by surprise, a grace about it which I did not expect, that offers with it an amazing joy. It seems to have piqued my awareness of life’s brevity and the importance of making the most of the time I have left, though not in an urgent way nor with feelings of sadness; rather with a sense of adventurous excitement, and a clarity of purpose. I notice that about Cowgirl too. While she may not chase rabbits, squirrels and tossed tennis balls like she once did, she remains vitally interested in sniffing out the smells left by the other critters in the neighborhood. In other words, taking time to slow down and smell the fireplugs.

Simon and Garfunkel delivered a great message about this in their 1966 hit “The 59^th Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy)”: “Slow down you move too fast / You got to make the morning last / Just kicking down the cobblestones / Looking for fun and feeling groovy.” Might their lyrics be suggesting that in our hard-charging workaholic culture we are going so fast that we’re missing out on the joy?

It begs the question, is aging God’s little prank he pulls as a way of teaching us, as the Psalmist wrote, to number our days? For sure, aging does force us to tap on the brakes. The surprise comes in that when we do what awaits is an unimaginable sense of joy, feeling groovy as the song says.

Cowgirl, through her zest for life and graceful aging has inspired me to number my own days, to be thankful for what I have, and to continue to gain and give and love all I can, but at a manageable pace. Live like that, she’s teaching me, then “All is groovy.”

“He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.” – Proverbs 18:13 

Looking for the perfect gift to give someone special? Here’s an idea for you, and it won’t cost you a dime. All it requires is to spend some time with that person and just listen. But in order to listen – truly listen! – you must be willing to set aside your own agenda, your judgments and prejudices, and the temptation to offer your “sage advice”, allowing yourself to become totally immersed and absorbed in his or her world, not your own – just for a while. Then be prepared to be amazed how much your gift is appreciated.

We live in a noisy world where people seem to have to compete to be heard over all the clatter. It’s as if everyone is trying to speak at one time with no one taking time to listen. Listening, in fact, is in such great demand and short supply that people pay big money for it, igniting an explosion of growth in the listening professions such as my own profession of coaching where our job is to spend time in the client’s corner – not advising – but listening, partnering, and exploring possibilities, ideas, and solutions together.

It is not, however, only the listening professions where it is in such great demand. Listening is critical in every endeavor. Consider this example from my own experiences. Several months ago, I was referred to a doctor I had never seen before. As would be expected he inquired of my health history and the reason for my visit. Never, though, was I allowed to complete a sentence, as he was constantly interrupting and jumping to conclusions. Contrast that with another doctor to whom I was also referred. She too inquired of my health history and the reason for my visit, but instead she sat quietly, listening intently to my narrative while taking copious notes, hardly ever interrupting except for clarification. Both doctors came highly recommended and are well regarded within their respective specialties, but the first one I would never go back to see – ever! The second one, though? I’d go back to her without hesitation.

Listening. It won’t cost you a dime, yet it is more valuable than gold. That’s what makes it such a perfect gift to give someone special. Experiment with it and see what happens; and be prepared to be amazed how much it is appreciated. But beware of the likes of the first doctor. As the Proverb says, “He who answers before listening – that is his folly and his shame.”

“God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” – Genesis 1:27

Having had the opportunity to spend precious quality time during the Christmas holidays with our grandchildren, some thoughts occurred to me about what I have learned about God from being a grandparent. First, I must confess that despite how much fun we have together, my grandchildren are not perfect (which of course is true for all of us). Occasionally they do misbehave – imagine that! – frustratingly so at times. But my frustration is inevitably short lived, for no matter what they do I love them more deeply than they can imagine, plus I have the advantage of seeing what great potential they have, which they have yet to figure out. In other words, I see them as God’s creations, made in His own image.

The cornerstone of my profession of executive coaching is the belief that our clients are creative, resourceful and whole. That is, they are not broken, don’t need fixing, and are fully equipped with all they need to deal with their circumstances. How’s that, you may ask? Because, like my grandchildren, they are God’s creations, made in His own image. The coach’s job is simply to help the client recognize that and tap into it.

One of our sons, after learning they were expecting their second child, came to me with great concern about his capacity to love another child as much as he loves his first. Part of me wanted to laugh, not to make light of his question, but because I knew he would find out soon enough. And indeed he did; for the first time he held that beautiful baby girl in his arms all his concerns vanished as if they had never existed.

What have I learned about God from being a grandparent? Three things: (1) God’s love, like my love for my grandchildren, is not conditional on good behavior. (2) God sees in us far greater potential than we are able to see in ourselves, just as I’m able to see in my grandchildren (and my clients). And (3) God’s capacity to love is infinite, just as my son realized about himself when he held his second child in his arms. So, if these are true about God, are they not true about us as well? After all, “God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him . . .”