“. . . there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live.”

• Ecclesiastes 3:12 

As my two sons’ respective high school graduations approached – lo, many years ago – I invited each one to dinner for an obligatory father-son chat. In the course of those two evenings I asked each the same question, “What do you want to be?” Predictably each responded with his career choice du jour – lawyer, architect, or whatever. Yes, I replied, I appreciate what it is you want to DO, but I’m asking what you want to BE. Puzzled at first each thoughtfully considered what I meant, eventually arriving at the same conclusion. “I want to be a good person,” they said. Exactly what I was fishing for.

In his book The Road to Character, New York Times columnist David Brooks refers to the two versions of the creation story in the Book of Genesis, arguing that each version represents Adam in a different light. Brooks calls them Adam I and Adam II. Adam I is driven by his own abilities with a desire to “build, create, produce, and discover things. He wants to have high status and win victories.” Adam II, on the other hand, “wants to embody moral qualities . . . to have a serene inner character, a quiet but solid sense of right and wrong – not only to do good, but to be good.” Brooks goes on to say, “While Adam I wants to conquer the world, Adam II wants to obey a calling to serve the world.”

Reflecting on those two evenings with each of my sons, I now realize that my question, “what do you want to be?” provoked “Adam I” answers because our education system and our culture in general – and if I’m honest, my own parenting – are so oriented around the virtues of hard work and personal achievement, and less so about the “Adam II” qualities of character and morality – not to mention failing to encourage young people to listen for and respond to higher callings.

My intention with my sons was in no way to diminish the importance of striving for personal achievement (nor do I believe it was David Brook’s intention). Rather, it was to encourage them to seek higher purpose in their life and work, whatever it is they chose; for fulfillment in life can only be found in serving God and doing good while we’re alive. For while in Adam I we strive to achieve all we can with what we have, in Adam II we are beckoned to pursue a higher purpose, or as my sons would say, to be a good person.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.” – Philippians 4:12 

There’s a story about a man I had once known back in my college days who became quite successful in business. Yet, despite his success and prosperity, he also became addicted to alcohol, sinking deeper and deeper until it cost him everything he had worked so hard to attain. Eventually, after hitting rock bottom he went into recovery, got sober, and with his wife’s support launched a new business venture from which he was able to regain his wealth, his health, and most importantly his dignity.

Ups and downs in life can happen to any of us. In fact, they do happen to all of us at one time or another. And it’s not always financial. Crises can occur from many situations, such as health issues, loss of a loved one, divorce, business failures, job loss, family problems, or battling addictions as with my former acquaintance, just to name a few. Misfortunes can be of our own making, or just plain bad luck.

I’ve had my own ups and downs through the years. One occurred thirty-five years-ago when I was in my mid-thirties. My career at the time was rising at a rapid pace – but unfortunately, so was my ego – when a career opportunity presented itself that was sure to be the one where I would make my fortune. So, off I went to another city, my uprooted family in tow. It only took a few weeks to realize what a mistake I had made.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty,” the Apostle Paul writes. “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation,” he goes on, “whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.”

Ups and downs are inevitable. What I’ve learned over the years from experiencing ups and downs of various kinds, is to not let the ups take you down, as my ego once did with me. But if you find yourself down, know where to find the strength you need to rise back up. In other words, when you’re up find the humility to simply be thankful. And when you’re down, lean on the source of your strength, that is those who love you and the grace of God. For, it was through God’s grace and the love of my family that my career not only revived but once again thrived. And I’m pretty sure if you asked that old acquaintance of mine, he would tell you the same thing.

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize . . .” – Philippians 3:14 

Remember that great scene in the movie City Slickers when Mitch, the city slicker, is riding along having a conversation with Curly, the crusty old cowboy? After some back and forth Curly finally sizes Mitch up. “You’re all alike,” he says. “You spend fifty weeks a year getting knots in your rope, then you think a couple of weeks up here will untie them for you.” Then Curly stops and looks at Mitch. “Want to know the secret to life?” he asks. In answer to his own question, Curly holds up his index finger. “It’s your finger?” Mitch asks curiously. “No,” Curly replies, “it’s one thing.” “But what’s the one thing?” Mitch inquires. [pause] “That’s what you’ve got to figure out,” Curly responds as he spurs his horse into a gallop.

Henry David Thoreau once observed that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” Tragically, yet true, when we look around far too many seem to be plodding through life lacking a sense of purpose, a set of goals, a vision, dreams of accomplishing something that will somehow make themselves and their small piece of the planet a little better off. Yet, too few people get it, as Thoreau observed. That’s what Curly was trying to impress upon Mitch, for him to get it. It is the secret to life.

There is a reason I have chosen to focus my coaching practice on helping good and promising leaders grow into great leaders. It is because I believe great leadership is the solution to helping people to rise from the ashes of leading “lives of quiet desperation.” For it is great leaders who inspire others to find their sense of purpose that not only improves their own lives, but also for the greater good of the world around them. In other words, truly great leaders motivate and inspire others to discover the secret to life.

The great leaders of today may or may not be the high-level high-profile people we might imagine. Instead, think back to the best teacher you ever had, an inspiring coach, a parent or grandparent, a close friend or mentor, a boss or supervisor, or even someone like Curly was to Mitch. Great leaders can be anyone at any level, as long as they inspire us “to press on to win the prize.” And what’s the prize? The real prize, as I have learned and observed, is to have inspired someone else to press on to win the prize, who will one day inspire the next generation to press on to win the prize. And that’s the secret to life.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17 

Each year for the past thirty-plus years I force myself to trek over to my physician’s office for that dreaded annual inspection (more often than that now that I’m of a certain age). It’s my least favorite thing to do, not because it’s painful, nor that I fear some disease or condition might be discovered, as I’m fairly resigned to the fact that with age comes vulnerability to such things. No, the dread comes from being held accountable, to sit on that examining table completely exposed (literally!), having to face the truth about the flaws in my lifestyle. For if I don’t it will be revealed anyway through weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, or some other test. It’s a dreadful experience.

But it’s also a great example of how being held accountable can positively impact personal discipline. Societal structures seem to bear that out through children being held accountable by their parents and teachers, workers being held accountable by bosses and supervisors, and citizens being held accountable by those who enforce the laws.

For well over twenty years now, every Tuesday morning I have been meeting with a small group of men who I consider some of my closest friends. The purpose of the gathering is to hold one another accountable for the way we conduct ourselves. We do this by examining three specific disciplines in our lives: (1) maintaining our relationship with God through prayer and worship, (2) improving our knowledge and intellect through continued study, and (3) helping our fellow human beings through the actions we take. There’s a mysterious benefit to bearing our souls to each other every week about these aspects of our lives in that by sharing our successes and failures, our strengths and weaknesses, we all seem to become a little more focused and a little more disciplined.

For most of us our greatest potential is reached not by our own will and discipline; rather it is through our fellow human beings holding us accountable. That’s what inevitably elevates us to greater heights – just like that dreaded annual physical exam by my doctor who, by holding me accountable, helps me live a healthier and more disciplined lifestyle. There is a mental sharpness that comes from being around good people, discussion partners who challenge us and stimulate better thoughts and behaviors. Just as the Proverb reminds us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.” Romans 12:10 

It started out as a dream. Lots of success stories begin that way, don’t they? But this was not a dream borne out of some passion or deep desire. This was from a literal dream, the middle-of-the-night-in-your-sleep variety. At first she didn’t think much of it, but when the exact same dream recurred the next night Ruth shared it with her husband Chris the moment they awoke the next morning. It was so vivid, so real, so convincing she could hardly contain herself. So, when Chris heard it, convinced his wife had heard the voice of God, his immediate response was, “I think we’re supposed to do this.” So it was then and there that HUGS Café was conceived.

Today HUGS Café is a popular and thriving lunch spot located just off the bustling town square in McKinney, Texas where we live. Not only does HUGS offer a fabulous lunch menu, but to dine there is to encounter one of the most loving and joyful environments you have ever experienced. You see, Ruth’s dream was not about a business, but a purpose, that of training and employing those who many would consider unemployable, specifically adults with special needs. But Ruth does not see them as people with special needs, rather as individuals with special gifts. And that’s what you experience when you have lunch HUGS, which always includes a free side with your order, a big ol’ hug.

Ruth and Chris Thompson are dear friends of ours, and Tee has been a volunteer worker along side Ruth almost since its inception. But HUGS is not successful because of Ruth’s dream, that was simply the inspiration. No, HUGS became successful because of Ruth’s devotion, her dedication and commitment, and commitment is where the rubber meets the road. Likewise, it is from lack of commitment that we often run off the road. Is that not true for almost every success or failure, whether in business or profession, marriage, parenting, or any other worthwhile endeavor? Like HUGS which was inspired by a dream, for dreams to succeed requires commitment.

HUGS states that its mission is to change the world “one hug at a time”, which seems consistent with the Apostle Paul’s instructions to “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.” For when we are devoted to one another through a good and worthy cause, like Ruth, we too can state that we’re on a mission to change the world – one person at a time.