“I press on toward the goal to win the prize . . .” – Philippians 3:14 

Remember that great scene in the movie City Slickers when Mitch, the city slicker, is riding along having a conversation with Curly, the crusty old cowboy? After some back and forth Curly finally sizes Mitch up. “You’re all alike,” he says. “You spend fifty weeks a year getting knots in your rope, then you think a couple of weeks up here will untie them for you.” Then Curly stops and looks at Mitch. “Want to know the secret to life?” he asks. In answer to his own question, Curly holds up his index finger. “It’s your finger?” Mitch asks curiously. “No,” Curly replies, “it’s one thing.” “But what’s the one thing?” Mitch inquires. [pause] “That’s what you’ve got to figure out,” Curly responds as he spurs his horse into a gallop.

Henry David Thoreau once observed that “the mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” Tragically, yet true, when we look around far too many seem to be plodding through life lacking a sense of purpose, a set of goals, a vision, dreams of accomplishing something that will somehow make themselves and their small piece of the planet a little better off. Yet, too few people get it, as Thoreau observed. That’s what Curly was trying to impress upon Mitch, for him to get it. It is the secret to life.

There is a reason I have chosen to focus my coaching practice on helping good and promising leaders grow into great leaders. It is because I believe great leadership is the solution to helping people to rise from the ashes of leading “lives of quiet desperation.” For it is great leaders who inspire others to find their sense of purpose that not only improves their own lives, but also for the greater good of the world around them. In other words, truly great leaders motivate and inspire others to discover the secret to life.

The great leaders of today may or may not be the high-level high-profile people we might imagine. Instead, think back to the best teacher you ever had, an inspiring coach, a parent or grandparent, a close friend or mentor, a boss or supervisor, or even someone like Curly was to Mitch. Great leaders can be anyone at any level, as long as they inspire us “to press on to win the prize.” And what’s the prize? The real prize, as I have learned and observed, is to have inspired someone else to press on to win the prize, who will one day inspire the next generation to press on to win the prize. And that’s the secret to life.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” – Proverbs 27:17 

Each year for the past thirty-plus years I force myself to trek over to my physician’s office for that dreaded annual inspection (more often than that now that I’m of a certain age). It’s my least favorite thing to do, not because it’s painful, nor that I fear some disease or condition might be discovered, as I’m fairly resigned to the fact that with age comes vulnerability to such things. No, the dread comes from being held accountable, to sit on that examining table completely exposed (literally!), having to face the truth about the flaws in my lifestyle. For if I don’t it will be revealed anyway through weight gain, blood pressure, cholesterol, or some other test. It’s a dreadful experience.

But it’s also a great example of how being held accountable can positively impact personal discipline. Societal structures seem to bear that out through children being held accountable by their parents and teachers, workers being held accountable by bosses and supervisors, and citizens being held accountable by those who enforce the laws.

For well over twenty years now, every Tuesday morning I have been meeting with a small group of men who I consider some of my closest friends. The purpose of the gathering is to hold one another accountable for the way we conduct ourselves. We do this by examining three specific disciplines in our lives: (1) maintaining our relationship with God through prayer and worship, (2) improving our knowledge and intellect through continued study, and (3) helping our fellow human beings through the actions we take. There’s a mysterious benefit to bearing our souls to each other every week about these aspects of our lives in that by sharing our successes and failures, our strengths and weaknesses, we all seem to become a little more focused and a little more disciplined.

For most of us our greatest potential is reached not by our own will and discipline; rather it is through our fellow human beings holding us accountable. That’s what inevitably elevates us to greater heights – just like that dreaded annual physical exam by my doctor who, by holding me accountable, helps me live a healthier and more disciplined lifestyle. There is a mental sharpness that comes from being around good people, discussion partners who challenge us and stimulate better thoughts and behaviors. Just as the Proverb reminds us, “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.” Romans 12:10 

It started out as a dream. Lots of success stories begin that way, don’t they? But this was not a dream borne out of some passion or deep desire. This was from a literal dream, the middle-of-the-night-in-your-sleep variety. At first she didn’t think much of it, but when the exact same dream recurred the next night Ruth shared it with her husband Chris the moment they awoke the next morning. It was so vivid, so real, so convincing she could hardly contain herself. So, when Chris heard it, convinced his wife had heard the voice of God, his immediate response was, “I think we’re supposed to do this.” So it was then and there that HUGS Café was conceived.

Today HUGS Café is a popular and thriving lunch spot located just off the bustling town square in McKinney, Texas where we live. Not only does HUGS offer a fabulous lunch menu, but to dine there is to encounter one of the most loving and joyful environments you have ever experienced. You see, Ruth’s dream was not about a business, but a purpose, that of training and employing those who many would consider unemployable, specifically adults with special needs. But Ruth does not see them as people with special needs, rather as individuals with special gifts. And that’s what you experience when you have lunch HUGS, which always includes a free side with your order, a big ol’ hug.

Ruth and Chris Thompson are dear friends of ours, and Tee has been a volunteer worker along side Ruth almost since its inception. But HUGS is not successful because of Ruth’s dream, that was simply the inspiration. No, HUGS became successful because of Ruth’s devotion, her dedication and commitment, and commitment is where the rubber meets the road. Likewise, it is from lack of commitment that we often run off the road. Is that not true for almost every success or failure, whether in business or profession, marriage, parenting, or any other worthwhile endeavor? Like HUGS which was inspired by a dream, for dreams to succeed requires commitment.

HUGS states that its mission is to change the world “one hug at a time”, which seems consistent with the Apostle Paul’s instructions to “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love.” For when we are devoted to one another through a good and worthy cause, like Ruth, we too can state that we’re on a mission to change the world – one person at a time.

“First go and be reconciled to your brother . . .” – Matthew 5:24 

Conflict inevitably occurs among humans. No matter how hard we may try conflicts can never be totally avoided in the course of our life experiences, but our behavior in response to them can make a huge difference in the outcome. That is, how we respond can either be destructive, making matters worse, or constructive, facilitating a fair and peaceful resolve. Allow me to share an example:

A friend of mine became the victim of a scathing post on Twitter about a remark he once made in a public forum (one of the unfortunate hazards of putting ourselves out in public in this age of social media). Needless to say, my friend was hurt, angry, and humiliated that someone had taken offense to a message he had intended to be positive and diplomatic. But rather than lashing out at the person who posted the Tweet – or worse, suffering in silence – much to my friend’s credit he graciously extended an invitation to the other person, a stranger, to meet him for coffee. And much to the credit of the other fellow he accepted the invitation. “First go and be reconciled to your brother.” 

When the two men met they did indeed have obvious differences – a generation apart in age, from very different backgrounds and life experiences, living in different environments, thus having very different political and philosophical views. But what they discovered in their face to face meeting was that they had one thing in common; they were both fellow human beings who cared deeply about the world and the people around them. And because of that one element of common ground they were able to work toward a constructive resolve to their conflict. Not that either changed his political or philosophical views, but they did gain each other’s respect which opened the door for civil conversation, and who knows, maybe even the beginning of a friendship.

Conflict is certainly inevitable among humans. Yet, painful as it often is, the absence of it would eliminate one of the essential components in the advancement of knowledge and understanding. So, I applaud my friend for the grace he extended to his offender, and I applaud the other fellow for his courage in accepting the invitation. What a beautiful demonstration of a constructive response to conflict! And to think it all began with one small humble act: “First go and be reconciled with your brother.”

“Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No’, ‘No’. . .” – Matthew 5:37 

“Show up on time. Do what you say you’re going to do. Finish what you start. Say please and thank you.” Dan Sullivan refers to these in his book How the Best Get Better, as the four crucial habits of referability. “Although these seem like common sense,” he explains, “a surprising number of people in this world . . . do not practice these four habits. . . They may have brains, talent, charm, and experience, but they continually find that their clients and customers do not refer them.”

“In contrast,” Sullivan goes on, “those who practice these four habits always get referred into bigger and better opportunities.” That should come as no surprise because what he is describing are simply the basic elements of trustworthiness, and trust is the cornerstone of any healthy human relationship. Patrick Lencioni, in fact, lists “absence of trust” at the base of his pyramid in his popular business book The Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Or flipping that around to the positive, one might say it is the base of the pyramid listing the five characteristics of a highly functional team.

While it is true that gaining the trust of another human being is foundational in any healthy relationship, it is also important to remember just how fragile that can be; for any violation of trust can cause a relationship to crumble, and for good. I recall watching a cooking show once on TV when the late humorist and Cajun chef Justin Wilson (no relation) was demonstrating how to make gumbo. In doing so he was explaining how the most essential spice in Cajun cooking is cayenne pepper. But be careful, he warned, about adding too much of “da cayenne-a-peppa.” You can always add more, he said, but if you get too much you’re going to play heck getting it out. (His language was a bit spicier than that, but you get the point.)

Trust is like that. We can always add to our trustworthiness – show up on time, do what you say you’re going to do, finish what you start, and say please and thank you – but if you ever violate that trust, you’ll play heck getting it back. The best advice is to stick with what Jesus taught, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No’, ‘No’.”